Dating Profile For Introverts
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Best Dating Sites for Introverts in 2021. Dating is nerve-wracking and a bit stressful at the best of times. Still, if you're an introvert and suffer from social anxiety, it's likely to be all the tougher to put yourself out there and connect with new people. The Best10 teams regularly recommend the USA best 10 dating sites. It won’t do you any favors to skirt the truth when drafting an online dating profile, said Arnie Kozak, a psychotherapist and the author of The Awakened Introvert. If you say you love checking out new clubs and lounges in town, you’re liable to end up at one. Some people hate dating apps. But the reality is that as an introvert, you probably are better in writing than in conversation, and you also probably stay at home a lot. So having an active profile on a dating app (such as Pure) could be a shortcut to help get yourself out there to the dating world. Choose a dating app that limits matches. While some people might appreciate that Tinder, Hinge, Bumble and the rest of ‘em provide a seemingly-boundless pool of eligible daters—introverts might burn out fast. Geter recommends using a dating app that limits your daily number of matches, like eHarmony, Coffee Meet Bagel and others. The challenge for introverts is that in order to get attention on a busy dating site, you need to stand out from the crowd - which is exactly what they hate to do! Android apps work differently by making it lower pressure and allowing you to fill in your dating profile info at your own pace and on your own terms.
I give a lot of advice on going out and meeting people that involves going out and being as social as possible, which is great if you’re naturally an outgoing person (or willing to fake it). Sure, it’s relatively simple to meet strangers at parties and bars… if you’re the sort of person who thrives on crowds. But what if you’re the sort of person who’s drained by crowds or just doesn’t like having to introduce themselves and have to make the same small-talk over and over again?
It’s an unspoken truth that our society is geared more towards the outgoing among us; being able to mingle and hop from conversation to conversation or group to group like a social butterfly on crank is a valued skill when it comes to in-person social networking. People who tend to make the most noise and attract the most visibility also tend to be the ones who get the most attention… and thus the most success when it comes to dating.
But just because you’re more introverted doesn’t mean that you’re doomed to a life alone. It doesn’t even have to be that difficult. Sometimes it just means having to change your dating strategy to play to your strengths.
What An Introvert Is / What An Introvert Isn’t
Before we talk about dating tips for introverts, it’s best to define at least some terms here… and the first and foremost is the mistaken idea that introverts are somehow shy or have social anxieties.
An introvert is – very simply – someone who’s personal energy (physical as well as mental) tends to be drained by social interaction and recharged through more solitary pursuits. Introverts tend to prefer, or even thrive in, more solitary activities rather than dealing with large groups of people. On the whole they tend to be a more reserved and less outspoken than extroverts. Some introverts prefer lower levels of stimulation and find incredibly busy venues – such as loud noisy bars or parties – to be stressful and disorienting and can be prone to overstimulation.
Someone who’s shy on the other hand tends to avoid social gatherings or interactions out of fearor anxiety. They tend to shun large groups or encounters out of a phobia while introverts tend to prefer solitary pursuits.
Obviously, like many things, introversion and extroversion tend to fall on a sliding scale. Some people are just the quiet type who tend to be quiet and not speak unless they have something specific to contribute, while others are dedicated loners who’d rather avoid people as much as possible.
Introversion may be mistaken for shyness… but it can also be seen as “reserve”, the “strong, silent type” or even appealingly hidden depths. Still waters run deep, after all and there’s no reason why you can’t make that work for you. A little bit of mystery and a reputation for being observant and clever – if a little reserved – can work wonders.
Where To Meet People?
The first and seemingly most daunting challenge for an introvert is: where are the best places to meet people?
While there is value in being able to break out of one’s comfort zone on occasion, most introverts aren’t going to be comfortable with making what’s known as a cold approach: that is, approaching a complete stranger and attempting to start a conversation that hopefully leads to a relationship. If you’re not the sort of person who likes small talk or approaching strangers, what are your best options? Well, the best places are ones that not only benefit your temperament and play to your strengths… not to mention find people you’re likely to actually connect with. You’re not going to dig for oil in a city street1 and the odds are that an introvert isn’t going to find true love at a shot bar.
So where do you start looking?
Online Dating
The first and most obvious answer are online dating sites. Online dating can help ease some of the pressures of trying to maintain a constant conversation; you’re able to take your time to consider what you want to say rather than trying to be clever off the cuff. You’re also better able to narrow down your field of search to specific interests or personality types rather than trying your luck with a cute random stranger at the Whole Foods or your friend’s party. If you’re a writer, then online dating even plays to your strengths; you can use your way with words to reach people more effectively than you could if you happened to approach them in person.
Now, in fairness, online dating does tend towards more extroverted behavior – after all, you do have to make the initial attempt to talk to someone (especially if you’re a guy) and there’s a certain level of expected “getting to know you” chit-chat. However, if you’re someone who prefers to take his or her time about getting to know someone, online dating is a great way to meet people.
Classes
Taking a class, whether it be studying a new language, brushing up on an old hobby or trying a new activity like yoga is a great way to meet newand interesting people in a low-pressure, low-stress environment. A shared goal or activity gives you something you can talk about and relate to right off the bat. More interactive classes, like cooking or art courses means you’ll likely be working in smaller groups, which provides an opportunity to get to know people in a more organic, natural way rather than trying to ask the usual “interview” questions that bore all of us to tears. Social clubs can also be a great way of meeting new people in a smaller, more controlled manner.
Volunteer
Volunteering your time can help you give back to your community while also introducing you to new people at the same time. While some volunteer opportunities – such as working for political campaigns – may not necessarily be of interest to someone who tends to be more introverted, donating your time to the Red Cross, homeless shelters, your local museum or the Humane Society can be ideal. Much like with classes, volunteering gives you the means to meet and get to know someone in an organic and natural way without feeling like you’re obligated to put on a performance, as well as helping to ensure that they likely have the same goals and interests as you do.
Plus, it’s hard to be intimidated or anxious around someone who just helped you muck out the puppy kennels.
Use Your Social Circle
Being an introvert doesn’t mean that you don’t have friends; you just tend to prefer to interact with them one-on-one or in small groups. Your friends can be one of your most valuable untapped resources when it comes to meeting new people in a comfortable environment without the pressure of having to go out and approach strangers. Rather than asking to be set up on a blind date or trying to force yourself to be more outgoing at a party, try letting your friends know you’re interested in meeting some new people… so maybe they could bring another person or two they think you might get along with the next time you all go to the movies or have a Game of Thrones marathon.
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Dear Prospective Dates,
We need to talk. After a string of meh encounters, it’s time to clear the air: I’m a lady introvert*, and the way you’ve been going about courtship just isn’t working. As an introvert, I need a much lower level of mental stimulation to operate than ambiverts or extroverts require. Though everyone is different, you should know that we introverts don’t like “typical” dating approaches. If you want to get to know us, you have to go about things differently, and in return, we’ll be fiercely loyal and communicative partners. This letter is an attempt to outline some tips that will endear you to your introverted love interests. Take heed!
1 Cut the small talk. Cut. It. Out.
Let it be known once and for all that introverts hate small talk. Whether you are using a dating app or you approach us in line at the grocery store (meeting in a bar, are you kidding?), don’t spew cliches. You’ll get a lot further with us if you cut typical “pick-up” strategies. Instead, strike up a conversation on something more personal and relevant. “I love that flavor of Ben & Jerry’s. Have you tried the new flavor?” is far better than “Looks like a wild night. Need company?” Humor is good, but can be off-putting from strangers.
2 Take me somewhere quiet, away from the crowd.
Assuming you’ve landed a date, don’t take me to a busy restaurant or crowded bar. I will notice Every. Little. Thing. I won’t be able to focus. For introverts, getting acquainted with people is a deep investment. From the start, we prioritize the quality of communication. We much prefer to do this in spaces with limited distraction. So, a walk in the park, a visit to a new bookstore, or a calm, cosy cafe are much better options for making your introvert date comfortable from the get-go.
3 Show me your brain.
As I said earlier, getting to know someone is an investment for an introvert. If that investment isn’t reciprocated early on, we’re often left feeling that the interaction is just too shallow and uninteresting. Introverts are less likely to be interested in discussing work or home at length (unless you happen to be a librarian or your home is full of rescue animals). Instead, tell us about something you’re learning or reading. The more you show your inner world, the easier it is for an introvert to feel a connection.
4 Be careful with compliments.
Introverts rarely are comfortable as the center of attention or when they feel they’re being judged—particularly for characteristics that they themselves don’t strongly identify with. For example, you may be tempted to compliment your introverted love interest on looking nice, but it can fall flat if your date doesn’t actually identify with a strong investment in appearance.
Additionally, superficial compliments can signal to an introvert that you pay attention to something that they haven’t developed. As a result, an introvert can become self-conscious. As a rule, introverts (and probably most people) respond best to insightful, concrete compliments on their strengths, e.g., “You have great taste in music. I loved that album you told me about.”
5 Practice patience.
Because our tolerance for mental stimulation is lower than that of other personality types, if we’re unexpectedly caught in a noisy, crowded, or chaotic situation, we can have trouble functioning. It may seem like we are very quiet, zoned out, distracted, or bored. The truth is we want to continue focusing on you, but we’re flooded with details. It can be helpful for all parties to recognize that deep conversation (or, sometimes, all conversation) should be put on hold until the level of stimulation decreases.
On a related note, introverts are likely to avoid substances that heighten stimulation—excess caffeine, sugar, drugs, that really hyper dude in the corner . . . Respect our decision to abstain from additional stimulation.
In sum, we introverts function optimally in low-stimulant environments, value deep interactions over superficial ones, and genuinely don’t appreciate social pressure. In return for making the effort, we’ll be loyal, supportive, and engaged partners.
Kindly,
Your Next Introverted Date
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If you’re an introvert or have successfully dated one, what tips would you add?
Dating Apps For Introverts
*These tips are written from the perspective of a heterosexual female. Some of the examples may not be applicable to other perspectives, but the general ideas should still hold.